King Andy

In case you haven’t heard, King Andy of Bluegrassia has ordered that his subjects may not leave the Kingdom…with some exceptions.

He says this is to keep from bringing the COVID-19 virus into Kentucky from bordering states with more serious outbreaks…and if you do go into one of those bordering states and return to Kentucky…then you must self-quarantine for 14 days. He will, however, allow you go into that state to work, or buy groceries or essential supplies, etc. Then it’s totally fine…no self quarantine required.

See how much cleaner Kentucky is than those filthy states around us?

If you can’t see how ridiculous that is, let’s run a little hypothetical scenario. I live in Northern Kentucky, just across the river from Cincinnati, Ohio…one of those disease-ridden states we Kentuckians are supposed to avoid. But let’s say I work in an essential role at a business in Cincinnati, and it’s one that I cannot telecommute to…I have to go to Ohio to work.

Despite the fact that I’ll be exposed to virus-infested Ohioans, King Andy says that’s totally cool…no need to self-quarantine for 14 days after every shift I work. On the other hand, should I decide to just go to Fountain Square and take some pictures of The Genius of Water, King Andy says it’s a fortnight in lockdown for me. In both situations, I’m risking the transport of Buckeye cooties back to the Kingdom of Bluegrassia, but in only one scenario am I required to isolate myself when I get home.

The sculpture known as “The Genius of Water” on the Tyler Davidson Fountain in Cincinnati, Ohio.

That’s because it’s totally arbitrary, not based on any real risk assessment or reasonable mitigation effort. It’s either OK to go into another state and return, or it’s not. The reason or need for travel to another state doesn’t change the risk, and either 14 days quarantine after such travel is necessary or it isn’t. The virus doesn’t know or care why I went to Ohio.

And we haven’t even addressed how King Andy might hope to enforce his “order.” Say I take that sightseeing trip to Cincinnati. How would the state know? Are there checkpoints to get back into Kentucky? (There aren’t.) Are they tracking my cell phone? (I didn’t take it with me. I’m not stupid.) Are they checking my social media to see if I shared pictures of my day on Fountain Square? (Maybe, but that sure seems like a tough way to keep track of the travels of 4.5 million Kentuckians.) You get my point. This isn’t East Germany (yet), and we still enjoy unrestricted travel within the United States.

Clearly, it’s a pretty unrealistic undertaking to “order” Kentuckians to stay in Kentucky short of martial law and physically closing the state border. But the truth is that physically closing the Kentucky state border would be essential to achieve King Andy’s stated goal of keeping COVID-19 from coming into Kentucky from other states. This is because of the huge, glaring weakness in King Andy’s decree: Even if he can channel his inner Kim Jong Un and manage to keep Kentuckians from leaving the state, how exactly does he propose to keep those damn filthy, virus-ridden Tennesseans from crossing into Kentucky?

The border between Kentucky and Tennessee at Jellico. (Not really. It’s the DMZ in Korea.)

I’m poking a bit of fun at the governor, but for good reason: he deserves it. His order has no real teeth, and is not meant to. You and I both know that he isn’t going to jail or fine anyone for going out of state, or for failing to self-quarantine if they do. Besides, with only “essential” businesses open in the first place, anywhere you would go in another state would by default have to be essential. (Other than my hypothetical sightseeing trip.) His order is nothing more than a public relations move meant to cover his own ass by giving the appearance of “doing something.”

Here’s a little leadership tip for King Andy. If you want to avoid looking like an impotent little tyrant, heed the words of Sophocles: “What you cannot enforce, do not command.” He’d have been much better off had he simply spoken to us as citizens instead of subjects, and asked us to limit unnecessary travel out of state…and leave it at that. Learn to lead, because we will not be ruled.